I Have Always Been Here
Chapter: Season Ten
I know that we all do not have a magical cat guardian to push away the darkness and doubt that so many of us live with every day, but if I can create a world of magic, mantles, a town with two gaming stores on the same street, and a group of true friends like this one, then I can create Emma.
The real Emma has been with me for a long time, through many highs and lows. She is my guardian. She’s a little asshole, but she is mine.
I hope that you have your own Emma in your life. A friend, a family member, or a fluffy buddy who is always there for you. Know that you are not alone and that you make the world a better place.
Emma and I haven’t always seen eye to eye… on account of me being so much taller than she is…
But I truly do appreciate everything she’s done for you over the years and I’m glad you have her and Giz.
Emma sounds like Sam’s Mom.
um yea I’m betting there is a bit of his mom in there
Beautiful. Just beautiful. Emma’s origin, the story, the incredible way you’ve made the shape of the panels integrate into the story, Sam’s vulnerability and his strength. All of it. Thank you.
We should all be fortunate enough to have an Emma in our lives, however they may find us, come to us, and keep us safe. A compassionate guardian, any configuration.
What I love is how Emma’s dialogue bubbles literally talk over The Doubt’s blurry, indistinct words, showing them to be as hollow and substanceless as they truly are, while she is literal, solid, fluff. And it is just like a cat to knock something off a surface with her paw, and in this case it was for the greater good.
It’s a terrifying concept for a reality-warper to manifest their depression into a being, one that could destroy and subordinate the Narrative, but if a reality-warper’s subconscious is that powerful then, like you said, why shouldn’t it also create a cute asshole cat to say to that dark mass “Fuck. That. Shit.”
HERE HERE WELL SAID!!!!
I do have an Emma. His name is Zergling and he’s a terrible little sh*t. Won’t stay off the counters. Won’t stop terrorizing my bathroom. Picks at the doors when they’re closed. Doesn’t like to let me sleep past 7AM (that’s feeding time in the mornings) and often tries to wake me early. Booby trapped the bathroom this morning by positioning his water bowl in front of the doorway so I kicked it…
But he’s MY fuzzy little sh*t. I love him and he loves me. Aggressively some times. But he does.
I also have my friends. And my partners. We don’t have traditional relationship dynamics. One of them is long distance. Both are married (with their spouses consent for a polyam situation; their husbands are awesome men and my friends).
But yeah… every now and then I still need someone to knock the bad things away.
Life mostly shines. And I am so bloody grateful for that.
Now to go pet my fuzzy little sh*t. Because he’s being all adorable and napping on the chair.
Also you made me cry. Good tears.
For clarification, this is a reference to a time before Sam broke his ankle and was on pain meds?
Or is she saying before she â€awoke†as Sam’s guardian?
I have a suspicion that before his Narrative powers started even barely kicking in, he tried to dose himself with pills. And quite possibly that event sent out a metaphysical and magical call and Emma came into his life.
I don’t remember when but there’s references to Sam’s brush with suicide early on in the comics. I keep thinking it was around the Evil Sam period when they talk about him having recovered from other darkness in the past. I’m pretty sure all of it happened before the comic starts.
Are you trying to make me cry? I had my guardian cat for 17 years and she finished her run about two months ago now. She was hell on wheels but she liked me and she stayed with me.
Not gonna lie, that last page hit a bit too close to home for comfort. I love this, I miss my cat but you made her pop back up in the front brain.
Had a cat named Emma. She was a good floof.
I’m not crying, you’re crying.
I’ve had a couple times when my kitty was the only thing keeping me here. Just because she would wait for me at the door, and I knew she wouldn’t understand why I didn’t come home that one day.
Depression and Doubt are twins. And they are both liars. Reach up from that pit, to the friends who are there for you.
You hear that?
That’s the sound of applause you hear. Damned good job you’re doing here, Man.
My sister was my Emma. Put up with all my shit through high school while dealing with our folks divorce at the same time as I was. She was my rock, my strength, my piece of mind, and my shoulder to cry on. Everyone needs one, even she did, thank goodness sam has Emma. Still need to take a walk though to clear my mind, think I’ll go call my sister too.
Omg! This triggered me greatly,(Niagra Falls after reading this) but in a good way. I was as close to where Sam was when I was younger and it my cat Bandit (my Emma)that stoped from going through it. Even though Bandit has been laid to rest, he still inhibits my heart and keeps me going. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal struggle with us. You are an incredible artist and I am so glad I found your art for storytelling and sharing the love of the game. Again, all
I can say is Thank you!
I’m going to take a shot at connecting some dots…
Way back in 2011, we saw those same inky black tendrils as Sam was dealing with his depression and doubt in round 2 with Grey… https://d20monkey.com/comic/date-night-part-five/
In 2012 we got a reference to Sam having been in therapy https://d20monkey.com/comic/secret-sam-part-five/
And in 2014, there’s this scene with Brett after Sam broke his leg and needed surgery. I’m not sure that it directly ties to The Doubt but I feel like it says that Brett knew then and had known about the things Sam had been going through not just then with his leg but for some time. https://d20monkey.com/comic/the-night-watch/
Just as this arc was starting, we got this moment with Talbot and Charlie where Talbot lets drop that Emma is Sam’s guardian. https://d20monkey.com/comic/charlie-is-feline-fine-honest/
A quick note here… Talbot said “Emmanda’sur is a guardian for the narrative-wielder.” Not *the* but *a*. I really wonder if the rest of Sam’s friends are his other guardians.
And just before the destruction of the Game Haus in this arc, we saw this scene with Trevor and Lee where Lee said his job in this plot was to “sow the seeds of doubt”. Doubt has been a recurring theme over the years. https://d20monkey.com/comic/a-patron-but-not-the-good-kind/
And then later on after the main fight was done at the Dragon’s Den, Emma said she promised to explain about herself but not right then. https://d20monkey.com/comic/dallas-makes-a-perception-check/
Lastly… and this one I feel like is going to come up again before it’s over. There’s this bit with Lee and Trevor. https://d20monkey.com/comic/dont-go/ Lee said “It’s dangerous out there. It will be over soon and this… it… it does not concern us.” On the next page we see that Lee knew who his patron was. Probably not when he accepted the deal but he sure seems to know by the time all this comes down and he’s trying to keep Trevor safe. At this point he knew his brother was in danger, very serious danger, and he did nothing.
Dunno – it seems more likely that he really did think he was helping Sam by trying to undermine the Dragon’s Den, and he’d been told that the smack-down was limited to Brett.
Emma is a Good Kitty
Emma is the BEST KITTY!! <3
We all have our deamons. Thank you for the last two strips showing that we can overcome them and we can stay strong through it. Kick ASS SAM! Amy and your family need you!
Please forgive the mildly pedantic post.
demons = evil spirit
daemon = good … fairy? nature spirit?
Anyway, a bit of a pet peeve of mine. Not that big a deal.
Interchangeable terms across the GLOBE.
I’ve been down in the hole. My Emma came in the form of a friend who urged me to be defiant. To visualize my depression and self doubt as the vilest monster I possibly could pressing its weight on my back, and then challenging me as a GM. “What kinds of things would hit that fucker like a Mike Tyson uppercut?”
From there it was a battle. Making my godson giggle with silly faces wasn’t pretending I was okay, it was knocking that horrible thing’s teeth out. When I told jokes, the laughter I got in return shredded it apart. As soon as I could visualize a way to fight back, I had traction. It wasn’t a ceaseless advance, but suddenly I didn’t feel powerless.
I’m so glad to see the culmination of this comic, how it could be goofy dick jokes and these hard hitting topics all in one package, and I’m awaiting the catharsis to come with bated breath.
Go get ’em Sam.
Fine blessings to you for using ‘bated’ correctly.
My Emma is a furry little asshole that we adopted last year, who knows just when she needs to curl up in a lap and just…be. Knows when of the family just needs a little beast to curl up beside them on the couch and be a presence. She drives me up the wall, attacks my feet at night when I’m trying to go to the bathroom, and my arm is her favorite toy…but I wouldn’t change her for the world.
This is amazing, Brian. I’m gonna be sad to see D20Monkey end, but you have given us a helluva ride and I look forward to your next adventure with bright eyes and hope.
A) Cats (and dogs, and presumably other animals) are great.
B) Has Emma always been missing a fang?
C) Brian, please share pictures of your cat!
I think it’s less ‘missing’ and more ‘one big toofer’
Yeah, I noticed that. Even in her ‘regular cat disguise’.
Given some of her earliest appearances, I’d presumed she’d broken a fang chewing on peoples’ dice, hehe.
Emma does in fact have a single, long snaggletooth
(Vorlon static) “I Have Always Been Here.”
Random Kosh reference. Love it!
I love that you chose Sam’s “guardian angel” to be a cat. As a veterinarian and cat-lover, some people don’t give cats enough credit. We do all need an Emma (of any species/variety)
Cats rule. We need a t-shirt.
Who the hell is cutting onions. I had a bad mental health day today and I sought out my version of Emma. I will join you, Brian, in saying it is a hard battle, but hopefully you have the support you need, and if you don’t, look again. Someone always cares. It might even be a coworker or a neighbor, but someone will notice if you’re gone, so keep fighting.
Beautiful. Exactly what we all needed.
I have never posted a comment,but I want to today. I’ve been where Sam is, and it hit me at work, I wont go through details, but I will say that I was lucky to have people to pull me out of it. And for me, my Emma was my 3 year old duaghter. This makes me appreciate her that much more. And this comic because I havent seen this topic illustrated so well untill now. I’m happy to be hear to watch the series wrap up.
MY HEART…our animal guardian is Rosie, an English Bulldog who was supposed to be a furry couch cushion who slept 20 hours a day, but turned out to be a dynamo of energy, and a throwback to when bulldogs actually used to bait bulls. “Little asshole” is exactly how we describe her, too.
Come on, man. I’m not tryna cry first thing in the morning at work.
I just started reading the comic so this arc has allot of emotional whiplash for someone who came for the nerdy jokes but you really hitting all of the emotional highs and lows in your story, well done!
…and then, there’s the person on your other shoulder.
There are lots of Emmas out there, and often more than one for all of us.
…. Not gonna lie this made me cry a little bit.
Beautiful page, and I love Emma so much.
Also, hate to be that guy, but last panel, “And it’s time for you climb out now.” Missing a “to” there, I’m thinking.
Someone chopping onions in here? I’m not crying, you’re crying.
Went back to check out early Emma appearances (thank you for character tags!!)
Bonus: I hit Sam’s first big Karthun map.
“Well of Dreams?”
*Breathes out*
Brian, you have touched a nerve. Not necessarily in a bad way, but it’s there and it’s screaming so I have to speak.
Many creators live with Darkness, it’s both a source of creativity and potential. It offers perspectives and it incubates ideas. Some ideas don’t just incubate but step all the way into rot and corruption. My mental illness, my depression, my anxiety, and everything else lives in that darkness, but so does my sense of humour. Same with my intuition, my whimsy, and the warmth that comes right before sleep takes me. I preamble all this to say: THE DARKNESS IS NOT THE ENEMY! It’s the place where these things hide, but it is also the void that created Emma. I adore what you have done and I think the metaphor is beautiful and insightful into the nature of self-hate and self-destruction to the point that I will be using this as an example for years to come. But please, don’t malign that void, it took some of us years to learn it wasn’t out to get us.
I don’t agree. I don’t see how the pain is worth it. You make some valid points but I don’t think the ends justify the means, in many cases.
But that’s my point of view. You may be right, I don’t know. But I would never tell someone how to deal with their depression and I sure as hell wouldn’t intimate that they were doing it wrong especially if it was an ongoing struggle.
I guess what I’m getting at is don’t pass off your own beliefs as what all creators should be doing… someone reads that at the wrong moment in the wrong headspace and they’re going to spiral. They’re going to think they’re an idiot for doing it wrong this whole time and that their depression or darkness is just something they’re supposed to live with. Which is exactly how depression worms its way into a lot of people.
And, to me, that’s not cool.
Matt, I am making no judgements, nor am I asking anyone to adopt my beliefs.
I am trying to pass on a hard-won insight that made my depression more manageable: the same place that depression lives is the same place that is a fount of creativity. I see people fighting their depression day-in-day-out who are also feel that negative emotions are a kind of step backwards. My comment was an attempt to say that the darkness of the well doesn’t have to be the voice of self-hatred. The darkness just magnifies it, in the same way that it magnified Emma.
I totally get that my comment may have been poorly worded because, as I said, it touched a sensitive nerve.
I am not saying what a creator should be doing, I am asking that a creator bare something in mind and trying to explain where I am coming from.
Fair enough. And I didn’t mean to sound like I was invalidating how you deal with your stuff. I just ask that, considering how sensitive and potentially dangerous this topic can be, we all chose our words more carefully. Because you never know how someone else will interpret what you say, regardless of intentions.
There’s a minor typo in the last panel.
“It’s time for you climb out now”. I think it’s meant to say “It’s time for you *to* climb out now.
Just pointing it out in case you missed it.
Loving the read and keep up the good work, mate.