You Tried Once
Chapter: Season Ten
Characters: Sam
I know this page is heavy but I needed to include it. I promise you, this is as far down as the subject goes. I have discussed it in the past and I don’t want you to worry that such an end is possible. Spoiler or not, you can see that everyone outside is working to get to Sam.
I could have spent more time with The Doubt explaining how things happened, but time is running short and I think this explains it succinctly.
If you are looking at your calendar and wondering how I will wrap this all up before the end of October, I think you all feel that this is going to go into a little bit of November. Just a bit. 2020 has been tough on many fronts.
So… not Evil Sam? But close enough!
Awesome name for the entity. The Doubt.
Also, very heavy page Brian. Very heavy. I think I said it before but… thank you. For giving this serious topic justice in these pages. Having been there, done that, and obtained each of the commemorative shirts, coins, and plates with respect to depression, self doubt, anxiety, and self harm (mental, not physical)… this really speaks to me. It sucks but it helps to know that my inner-experience isn’t unique. That other people struggle the same. Day to day I do well. I’m largely happy and content and it shines. Some days, some recent days, I can get back into my head. And this helps. Thank you.
Indeed! There was/is never a smooth moment in the scripts to say the entity’s proper name aloud, so I am saying it here for everyone.
Oh, damn.
I understand this is different for everyone that encounters this moment. For me, it wasn’t doubt… it was an absolute certainty that things would not get better.
I was wrong about that. I also asked for help and that got me through that moment until I could stand on my own. I got lucky in very many ways.
Sadly, I have friends who didn’t reach out for help. Or at least not in a way that others could hear it. And yes, for the ones left behind, you always wonder if you should have heard something, done something, said something.
I think, for many, doubt can be where it *starts* and can eventually lead to that certainty you mentioned. Not saying it was like that for *you*, mind you. I’m not trying to discount your account.
You start doubting your own worth. You doubt whether your friends actually like having you around or are just tolerating your presence. And that doubt *festers*. Causes you to close yourself away a bit. And people’s reaction to that (maybe they get tired of asking you to go out/hang out etc. because you’re never up to it – that doubt makes you feel like they’ll probably have a better time without you there so you stay away) reinforces your doubts about them actually liking you/caring. And eventually it solidifies. You *know* – despite occasional evidence to the contrary – that they don’t give a fuck. That they really *would* be better of without you. And so you start to doubt why you even bother, what’s even the point. And, then…well.
*sigh* Sorry, I genuinely didn’t mean to hijack. Apparently I had a need to vent, and I kinda think I need to actually post this, not just delete it, to get it out. Again, sorry about that. (And to keep anyone from worrying: I’m not quite where this might make it sound. I’m…apathetic, if anything.)
Feel free to axe these comments from me, by the way. It doesn’t actually *need* to be here, I just needed to actually post it once I’d started typing it, to…”get it out”.
It’s all good, honestly. Healing happens in the light.
Things that are bottled up don’t go away …. instead, they fester, and give rise to dark things, like The Doubt.
Never apologize for getting these things out. I am happy to did it and I know everyone else is too.
No no no… Venting is good. Breathe.
The Doubt. I love this.
The reflexive association of setback and denial with rejection and failure. The resentment of others’ success. The panic of watching consequences spiral out of control and far away from intent.
For me The Doubt is an old companion, and even with medication and therapy has never truly gone away.
From someone who has been here, and who struggles daily with trying to stay away from here, thank you.
Thank you, Brian Patterson, for not shying away from this and thank you for being brave enough to share a personal experience.
I know it isn’t easy, but putting it in this context just…makes sense.
I don’t think promises are needed Brian, the past two pages are powerful and beautifully illustrated.
Also, if you ever apologize for giving us a few more days of content for the strip, I will take issue. The finale has been spectacular up to now, and I am not in a rush for it to end.
This got darker fast.
I know many of us knew what we were walking into… Based on how the art and such has been pointing, but is it possible to put some kind of trigger warning up?
Love this Brian, Love you, and Love anyone else struggling with The Doubt – by creating the conversation you can help someone else.
“Through darkness comes light, through fear comes love and through pain comes triumph.
This is the triumph of the human spirit; it is not in a select few, it is in every one of us.
Your struggles and hardships are your gifts so that you can reach deep down inside of yourself and discover your inner power and the glory of who you are. Use them to share your message of hope and love with the world.
The world needs your voice, your message and your experiences so that they can resonate in the hearts of others and give hope and courage to show that it is possible to overcome anything.”
The real monster was inside you all along…?
These past few pages have been …. very difficult to read, for me. I am Sam, in many ways. (Except without having _Actual_ friggin’ Santa Claus as my BFF, ha!)
This experience for me …. it’s why “trigger warnings” exist.
WHICH IS NOT BRIAN’S PROBLEM. It’s mine, and I’m dealing with it. It’s just … this is really, really _powerful_ stuff for me, right now.
Random internet stranger hugs!
TY. 🙂
Thank you for creating great art. I shared the last strip with some friends, and we all said it was probably one of the best depictions of depression we’ve seen in comics.
Hate being that guy, but I’ve gotten the sense you appreciate these, so — make sure you add the “i” in “failure” in the black text box below Larry.
Thank you again for the work you do. Never doubt that you create great art.
Please don’t rush. Take the time it takes. There’s nothing worse than a story that’s awesome until you get to the end to find a rushed mess. *Infinity War flashbacks*
Anyway. This is amazing, and if there is an end, make it at the speed of the story, not the calendar. Please.
I’ve tried to kill myself a number of times over the last decade. That pill bottle seems to have my name on it. The yew was the worst of it. I still have tremors on the left side of my body.
Oof. Random internet stranger hugs, and glad you’re still kicking.
I never got that far, though I came perilously close (e.g. two nights in a row, age 13, crying myself to sleep with a knife held against my wrist, loathing myself for being a coward ’cause I couldn’t go through with it).
Ours is an exclusive club none of us want to be part of.
I’m glad you’re still here.
No … I’m glad WE’RE still here.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Truly and I am so glad you are all still here. The world is a better place for it. Yes, it is. YES. It is.
Damn, another hard page to read, bad memories popping up. I think I’m going to be doing a lot of walking off my own past as we finish this off.
I’ve struggled with the rabbit hole for many years, counselling and medication has helped a good amount, but I constantly feel it out on the periphery. Its the bad ex, the one that tells you to come closer, that whispers the sweet lies that offer comfort being back in that dark place, and the worst lie of all “It will be different this time…. I promise”. As much as you know it is all lies, the whispers are always there threatening to drag you bad towards the rabbit hole.
You covered this perfectly Brian, and to be completely honest, stumbling upon your comic 6 years ago was one of the best things that has happened to me. I help give me something to look forward to, even in my darkest moments.
Thank you sir.
Oof. I have no personal experience with subject matter this heavy, so it honestly feels like anything I might offer would be trivial.
Suppose all I can say is: fantastic page and a chilling portrayal, even from my limited viewpoint.
Obvious problem: the doubt is part of Sam, even if his imagination has externalised it, so attacking the entity may hurt him too…
More importantly: you think we’re worried about you not wrapping this up by the end of October? Take your time. Maybe another couple of months…
…or years? (Well, no, not really. ‘Cuz then we wouldn’t get Innsmouth Garden Society.)
Man, this is deep.
And powerfull.
Left me closer to tears than it should have 🙂 but in a good, empathetic way.
This is a masterpiece of a portrayal, a portrayal of serious depression or however anyone wants to name it.
The feels and knowledge that whatever you do\want dont matter since you dont matter.
Having lived with and been married to a wonderfull woman suffering from some serious depression, anxiety, ptsd and other accronyms I cant remember… This is good.
So good I am still close to tears.
But again, in a good way :,)
Dude, this is… so much. Thank you for the excellent storytelling through the years. Feels that you can write this, because this comes from a place of knowing. Which is why you are seeing the echos from so many.
I actually shared the previous well cartoon with some of our psych and human services profs and got a very positive response about how this resonates.
Be well,
Dean
Take as much time as you need! As tough as this is to read- as it is so well done it connects- it must be hard to put down. You have done a truly excellent job- take your time
I’ve been in that well, wasn’t fun climbing out
Unfortunately, I think there are a hell of a lot of creatures like this invisibly parked on many shoulders in the real world.
But I have it on the highest authority that no man is a failure who has friends. And Sam has some damn good ones.
The worst thing about the Doubt? It’s when we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves all these horrible, senselessly wrong things, because on some level, it makes sense to us without anything more than circumstantial “evidence” as proof. It’s easy to believe the worst in ourselves, because we all tell ourselves that we are defined by our failures. We drown ourselves in misery because it’s so EASY to do so.
It’s the worst kind of lie there is.
We are defined by how we RESPOND to our failures.
“I? I am a monument to all your sins” – Gravemind