Consumer Advice
Before anyone sends me an angry email or posts a nasty comment, I want to make it clear that I am a big guy and this strip is based on personal experience.
This may be hard for some folks to read and if you’re not interested, enjoy the comic and I’ll see you back here on Monday.
For the rest of us, here comes a bit of honest, unflinching talk.
Like some of you, I have battled weight issues most of my life. I was a fat kid in school, a kinda chubby guy in high school, and eventually a fat guy in adulthood. My weight fluctuated over the years. I dieted. I worked out. I fell into depression. I fell out of my routines. I gained weight. I got depressed. I got angry. I got lonely. I returned to my routine. I got depressed… I think you get the picture. For the most part, I have always been okay with who I am and how I look.
When I got married, I felt as confident as ever standing next to my beautiful wife who loved me for who I was. I felt loved and I felt desirable. Years later, my marriage ended and it almost broke me for good. I fell back into the well (I have long described my flavor of depression as being at the bottom of a deep well, looking up for sunlight). I felt horrible. I felt fat and ugly with a sadness pressed down on me that I would not wish on my worst enemy. For a very long time I wrestled with myself, having these little arguments over and over again, where it felt like a little voice in there tried to be reasonable, urging me to climb the walls of the well but it was subsequently tied up and beaten by the rest of my (much louder) emotions. I was trapped and for a time I did not believe I could find any way out, except for one definitive act that I could never bring myself to carry out.
Have you ever felt truly worthless? I did for a solid year.
That’s right, 365 days of feeling like I did not deserve to be on this planet, that I would never be happy again, and that I could never bring happiness to someone else. I felt fat and horrible as the cycle continued throughout those days. Sure, I faked it well enough after a while, but a handful of people close to me knew better while their attempts to help usually fell on deaf ears (remember, the reasonable one was at the bottom of the well). I pushed people away, I hurt feelings, and I broke hearts, all the while digging my well deeper every day. Seriously. At my worst I didn’t want to go out or be sociable. I didn’t want to be anywhere except where I thought I deserved to be: alone.
Did you read that part? Where I felt I deserved to be. Deserved. Just because I was overweight and felt worthless, I thought that I should lock myself away like some kind of goddamn monster.
It was a t-shirt that finally broke me.
I hated to buy new clothes (and I still do for the most part). I can go to my closet right now and pull out no fewer that eight t-shirts purchased sight unseen, tried on, anguished over, and filed away under the pretense of “well when I lose some weight it will be awesome”. Have you told yourself that lie? I did all the time. Here is the truth: that lose weight part rarely happens. The day a D&D shirt I ordered arrived and I believed it too small for my fatness, I lost it. I truly lost it. I laid on the floor crying my eyes out and gushing everything I hated in this world to two cats who had no clue what was going on (but to their credit did seem to care about my well-being). It was a t-shirt. A stupid t-shirt.
The next morning I woke up on the floor. My eyes burned and my face hurt from the crying but something felt different. I didn’t have some dramatic life affirming moment, I just felt better. I can only describe it like being sick and hoping to puke, knowing you’ll have some odd kind of relief once it’s over. I had basically puked up a large portion of my sadness and this was the moment to breathe. That week I started watching my diet a little more closely. The next week I did some push-ups 2 days of the week. As the weeks passed I made more changes. I started walking. I cut out sodas. I cut out red meat. I went back to the doctor. I became social again. I found my passion for the things I love (comics and gaming). I do it all slowly and on my own maintainable pace, but I am doing it. I feel a little better every week and though I have my moments, they do not linger as they have in the past.
By now, you may be asking why I am writing this on a site with Boner Fairies and gaming jokes. Why? I guess I just believe that we as geeks and people with issues can kind of smell our own. I know one of you is wrestling with something in your life and even if it isn’t weight issues, self image, or loneliness, you have something on your back and I just want to tell you truly as someone who was on the last step to a very dark journey that you can do this.
You can do this. You can fucking do this. We all can.
It may take some time and I know now that it is a process that never ends but when I wake up in the morning, I take my Lexapro, pet my cats, and look out onto the day with a bit of optimism rather than dread. I truly hope that if you are down right now, this post helps in some way. Maybe just knowing that someone out there who, by hopeful trade, tries to make people laugh has the same issues will put things in perspective. I just say again, you can do this.
Normally, I say something smart ass or try to be funny to close long posts but not today. Have a great weekend guys. Thanks for your time.
Thank you for this. It can’t have been easy to write (regardless of the forum you’re choosing to use to display it), and I suspect I speak for quite a few of your readers when I say it’s helpful to hear stories like these from someone that makes us laugh. Props, and more power to you.
Thank you for sharing your story
Thanks for this. I’m a big guy that battles with buying clothes and with depression, so I can really relate to what you say about the well and puking up sadness. Just need to keep at it and not give up when sliding back into the well.
I’m a big guy myself and I applaud you for sharing. Re getting new tshirts, I actually work at a large men’s clothing store and I heartily reccomend trying it out. It is such an awesome feeling when you can find nice clothes that are designed to fit you for the first time, at least it was for me.
*hug*
I hear ya, trying to get my Lexipro dosage dialed in right now, going through a bit of a dark spot, and trying to remember that this isn’t nearly as bad as the last few, and will pass sooner. Keep at it, you are far from alone! The day my husband outweighs me (for the first time ever in all the time we’ve known each other), I will do the stupidest dance ever. But until then, keeping on eating well, working out, and getting stronger and healthier.
Brian, I am also a large guy, and clothes shopping has always been a chore. I hear you!
I am also dealing with some personal issues, where I am facing serious work before I find any kind of real peace. I met with some guys today, and realized that I’m not dealing with this alone.
I hope you know that you are not alone. Even if there’s no one in the room, you have friends and fans out here pulling for you!
Thank you for sharing with us!
Nicely done. It’s still too damn hard in this day and age to honestly admit that no, not everything is all right all the time, and moments at the bottom of the well need to be talked about; thank you for this.
High. Fucking. Five.
I deal with depression and PTSD (you’re welcome America) on an everyday basis.
You sir have given me a moment here. I have gone through so much and hearing how you yourself have been going and have been through, I broke down man; in a good way. Its good to know other people are out there going through similar things, everyone says it but to hear it from someone who has actually gone through it is a comfort. Thanks for that… a lot.
It takes a big set for a bloke to lay the darkest parts of his life out for everyone to see…. even though the black dog trails many of us, some much closer than others, not many stand up and say it and even fewer will honestly lay it out like this. And you are right, so often it is something stupid that breaks you enough to make you sit up and say “That’s it, I have got to do something right NOW!”
Bonus points for finding a steady way that works for you and I can almost guarantee that even if someone does not mention it here, there will be someone out there who will read this and draw some level of inspiration that will help them with their own black dog.
Ok, I have been following this comic for almost a year now and almost compelled to say this. I am Fat. 330 lbs to be exact and Like you mentioned about the shirts, I have ten. I have been fat for most of my life. It was not till after high school that I began to get comfortable with my weight. Not happy, just comfortable. Well lately I have been really feeling my weight, Im tired almost all the time, sleep more then I need to and it has been getting me down. My wife has noticed, my friends have noticed, and my family is noticing. Finally I saw a doctor about it this past week and the news was not good. My heart is not beating correctly I am diabetic. It felt like nails being driven into a coffin for me and the prospect of dieting and exercise looked like a massive brick wall I had to climb. But you Brian have given me a glimmer of hope. This can be changed. I can get better one step at a time, and at my own pace. I can get healthy and quite possibly live far longer then what the doc says I will. Thank you for sharing, because I know I needed to read this.
I will admit to tearing up a bit at the post. I know the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness all too well. I am already seeing a therapist, and hope to see the light for myself again.
Thank you for sharing that, Brian.
Man, I Know the feeling. About 10 months ago I got an “Stomach Reducing Surgery”, not just because of my looks, but for health issues. I’m a new guy now, 100lbs less, and the feeling when my “Evil Dead” finaly could be used was great!
Good Luck on your journey! =)
(Sorry about my english, it’s not my native language)
Yeah, Casual Male XL, only place for me to shop. I also tend to wear my shirts a size large, just so I don’t have to worry about this issue. Sure, it means I can’t buy clothes from Tee Fury or Threadless, but I know that everything I buy from Casual Male XL will be the right size and comfortable.
Yes they are awesome
I don’t wear tshirts for the reason that they always make me feel like an ugly fat fuck. I have a whole pile I want to wear but theyre too small.
Anyway keep on keepin on. Sometimes you just gotta break down but I’m glad things are gradually improving.
Thanks for sharing that difficult story Brian.
Welcome to the Broken People Social Club. We’re many, we’re buddies, we’re humans (and one registered alien).
The journey of climbing out our respective well is the most important one in my opinion. Knowing we have done it once means we can and will do it again later.
You rule!
As for that thin, high metabolism friend we all have, why I have all the bro-love for him, I secretly wish him to gain 40 lbs overnight by eating one Hershey Kiss to many. 🙂
Being a thin, high metabolism guy, I wish I could gain weight to be a reasonable size. I look in the mirror and I find myself too skinny.
Thank you for sharing the story, Brian. Sharing perspectives and experiences helps learning about each other.
Sir, you have revealed you heart and soul to us, and I thank you.
I have spent the last year of my life in EXACTLY the same situation (minus divorce…I have never even gotten close to marriage). But the unbearable sadness and loneliness and feelings of being completely UNNECESSARY to the world…I understand and have felt all of that.
In fact, I am just barely coming out of my own black hole…seriously, three weeks ago I was barely able to make it through the work day without breaking down in sobbing anguish! But I am also working on things…my own weight issues, my own health issues, my own lack of socialization.
I just want to say thanks again, and to let YOU know that no matter how much it feels like it, we are NONE of us alone.
Peace.
Thank you for standing up and rolling on. I applaud you.
I’ve been the skinny kid all my life. I’ve got skinny genes and hypotonia (my muscles develop at a slower pace) so it was just going to happen.
That is until the last year or so. Now the weight is finally coming, but only around my stomach it seems. T-shirts that once fit me fine now are clearly tight in a circle at my front. I look like Arnold in junior. I almost wish sometimes I was fatter just so it would look more normal.
It’s all quite ridiculous, and when I stop to think about it, I know I’m being silly for caring about it.
I guess I’m just trying to say that its a great comic/post, and even people who might not look it, might feel the same way.
THIS.
LOVE YOU BRIAN (In a totally platonic, hopefully not creepy way.)
Proud of you, man. Keep it up.
Brian,
Nicely put, and congrats.
I’ve been through the exact same thing myself. Back in 2005, I started having chest pains and trouble breathing (I was 25). It was actually how I found out I had an anxiety disorder and nothing was wrong with me. But it scared the hell out of me. When I went to the doctor, I found out how much I weighed (after avoiding a scale for years). 440lbs. I went a bit nuts at that point.
I didn’t do any weird fad diet or anything. I just made DRASTIC changes to what I ate. I went from eating about 80 grams of fat per day to less than 30. I started walking, first half a mile a day and finally 2 miles a day. I went from 4-6 sodas a day to none (juice, tea, or skim milk with meals, water in between).
I went back to the doctor a month later because the medicine he gave me for my anxiety had some severe side effects (Lexapro as a matter of fact…no longer on it because of the side effects) and got weighed again. 400 lbs. I lost 40 lbs in a month. Just by making a few simple changes in my eating and life habits (basically just reading the nutritional labels on my food).
By my 26th birthday, I was 280 lbs. I looked and felt better. It was great. I could buy clothes in a store that didn’t have “B&T” on the sign outside (you other big guys know what I’m talking about). I wasn’t “fit”, but even if I were in perfect shape I’d still be a big guy (I’m 6’3″ with a large frame). So I was happy with myself for the first time in probably my entire life.
Then I got a job that, while I liked the job, it made me lazy. It was an overnight job. I’d forget to grab my lunch before I left, so I’d buy a burger or something out of the vending machine. I’d let myself slide a lot on reading the food labels. Long story short, I was back over 400 lbs.
Last month, I decided I’d had enough. I’m not quite as strict as I was last time, but my breakfast and lunch are now 10g of fat total and my dinner is 10-20g. It’s been a month and I’m down 30 lbs so far.
By the way… you told us about the “voices” of reason and another emotions… have you hear about the Ayreon album “The Human Equation”?
It’s about one guy who went to a Coma due to a car accident. In his mind, he hears voices from his emotions, long suppressed. Meanwhile his wife and best friend are on his bedside. I highly recomend it! Here, let me help you!
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8A8716CBA1EDC1B0
Yeah, I grew up fat. I’m still not thin. I have found, though, that my body is determined to be a certain weight, but not a certain fat percentage (i.e. being muscularly heavy is fine with my body). You might find the same is true for you.
That said, there have been periods in my life where I’ve been miserable and sliding into obesity…
Yeah, man; it sucks. I do find that eating well makes a big difference.
But there’s this: Feeling good about myself makes it a lot easier to fight the fat. I got into emergency medicine, a career that makes me feel really good about myself, and it became quite easy (Well, relatively speaking) to eat better and exercise. I’ve gotten a lot thinner (though I still haven’t lost any weight… damn dense muscles).
But… this path is not possible for everyone, and/or at least not everyone all the time. I suspect I’ll eventually hit low spots and become a fat guy again.
It’s one of those things we just have to deal with, like video game addiction.
I totally understand that stack of clothes that’s too small, but you keep it for “when I lose that weight”. I’ve got that same stack.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are NOT alone in this.
Awesome.
Thanks man, you are never alone and there’s always hope
I have that exact same stack of t-shirts in my closet… along with the shirts that USED TO fit. I’m on the weight-loss track but it’s slow-going.
Another thing… bought a T-Shirt from Qwertee a while back, not realizing that the European sizes run a lot smaller than US sizes… haven’t really been able to wear that shirt, either. Someday…
That is exactly how I put my shirts on. Every damn day.
Another “depression as a well” guy here. I’m glad you got out of it, man. Keep climbing!
Great post. Thanks for pouring your heart out. It never hurts to remind people that you can change if you want to. It’s also a good reminder that the corny saying “it’s what’s inside that counts” is absolutely true. Thanks.
I truly appreciate that you shared your story with us, Brian. I hope you don’t fall down “the well” again. *hugs*
HI,
you know what ? This so true…
Like some here, I’m a Big guy (6.5 tall, 397lb… you see i don’t lie 🙂 ), sometime it’s hard to convinse yourself on the “time to get new cloth” routine… and sometime we have to take the better part and say “hello world, I’m not too tall/wide… your too small”
At a gaming con here in France, some friends manage to make me win a Con T-shirt… the last one… that was announced to be a Small…
So I have to go get it on the Stage in frotn of all.
On the moment I see only oen thing to do : I proudly wear it… as a Bandana, Hulk Hogan Style 🙂
Sometime, it’s good for the ego to take the good rôle.
Keep up your great work 😀
Thanks for the comic, and the post.
I’m not really down in the well right now, but I know it’s near. I just try to make a point of filling it with dirt, when I can. Today, I get to fill it a bit more. Thanks for that.
AMEN BROTHER! I’m a bigger guy myself, and right now I’m in that well man. See, I used to always be a thin fella, nice and skinny. When I was about 17, my dad kicked me out and that is when my metabolism started to crap out, I assume from stress. I was about 21-22 when I started to hit the gym, my buddies made fun of my weight gain during DnD sessions and such so I went from 240 to 200, and packed on some good muscle. I wasn’t exactly back on top (still had the gut and love handles) but then it all got worse. Crossing the street one fine day with my girlfriend and our first child back when she wasn’t even a year old, a woman in an SUV made a left hand turn at the lights with out pulling out to the center. Just straight from the lights, through, and into the three of us. It put me out of the gym for about two years, one was waiting for physio and doing physio, and then the other was because I couldn’t commit. Our physio therapist wrote us off as “no one was permanently injured” so we got little to no settlement, however I sure as hell was. The moment I stopped physio, my back pain returned and gets pretty bad. This one event sadly, threw me into the deepest pits of my life, that sadly I still am in. See, I went from being 200, and I gained weight, not back up to my 240, no I went to 280. I’m now fatter than I have ever been in my life, I literally have 3 outfits that fit me, because i refuse to buy new clothes, I myself have a closet full of hopes and dreams. Only recently did I sign up for the gym again, but going has been problematic, I work full time, so I’m on my feet working at my soul crushing life sucking job for about 8 hrs before I even consider going to the gym. I wake up with aspirations, but by the time I get home, my back is killing me, my feet are sore, and I’m just drained of all power. I’ve tried dieting, but it’s pretty hard, it’s soda for me mostly, at work we have access to free soda, or just plain old warm tap water. I’m a chef though, so when it comes to eating good, I usually do, but my lack of activity, and amount of soda consumed daily is preventing me from losing even the slightest weight.
I would add my voice to the concurrent chorus already in progress here.
I fall for precisely this type of guy. I just want to hug you all (with your consent).
I will say that while my demons are different, I still battle them constantly. I’m at a point in a relationship where I kind of have that looking up from a well feeling but at the same time fear or sense of deserving that if it ends I should be alone. Plus there are other complications involved.
But you sir are brave enough to not only share, but start to climb out of that prison from The Dark Knight Rises. Best of luck to you. Hopefully I can climb out as well.
As for the comic, I just thought you had a quota of dick jokes to maintain (someone had to end on something funny here right?)
I’m one of the hypermetabolic ones. Please don’t hate me.
I do run into a similar problem with t-shirts. A medium turns into a midriff after one wash, while a large tends to sit on me like a tent. Trying to find a “medium tall” is an exercise in futility.
And yes, diet is a concern… I have to constantly remind myself to actually eat dinner, not just chow down on some crackers. I’ve managed to get to 155#, and if I can keep changing some of my carbs to protein (and, let’s be honest, exercise), I hope to eventually get to 170 (which is apparently where I’m supposed to be.)
And like Brian Liberge above, I’m noticing this belly-circle showing up when I wear t-shirts. Need to work on that. (Once again, exercise… apparently, tapping your foot at high speed while playing WoW doesn’t count.)
Thanks, Brian!
I’m in the same boat with you there, Daemnor.
I’m 6’4″ and 144 lbs. I’m supposed to be at 180, apparently. I put on weight fast when I exercise, but it’s so hard to keep up a consistent schedule! I’m horrible with things like that.
I’ve just had to learn to love the tent-shirts. Heh. (Forgive me, everyone at a formal event I’ve gone to, I simply have to wear my white button-up untucked or it looks like I’ve grown air pouches at my waist when I put my arms down.)
I was actually at a point in my life where I was proud of myself when I would actually tap my foot or walk to the fridge and back. That was the most exercise I got during a 3-year depression in my life.
Funny comic today … much more awesome blog … and I can feel your pain. Depression is hard to overcome and it is one day at a time.
I’m 16 and for pretty much my entire life I’ve been just over the border of overweight territory. Whilst I’m perfectly fine with myself, I do occassionally get sudden feelings of “I’m so alone.”. To be honest, it may be more to do with my general lack of sociability, or my lack of confidence when it comes to meeting new people, but whatever the cause is, the feeling is still the same and it’s always terrible.
I won’t pretend to know what you went through having felt as you did for so long, but based on what I’ve felt, I know you should be proud of yourself just for climbing out of that well. And regardless of our weight, height, gender or anything that seperates us, we can all rejoice in a mutual friend’s hapiness.
You are awesome, Brian!
Thank you so much for sharing, Brian.
I know far too much about the depression well.
I spent 3 years in it after I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. While I now (4 years later) take pride in being autistic, it was very crushing to me at the time. I normally have a very strong immune system, but the depression weakened it enough for me to contract mononucleosis (mono), which then turned into chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). I was pretty much bedridden for those 3 years.
Even now, at 23, I still suffer from CFS. I sleep more than I’m awake, and I’m constantly told by my peers and father that I don’t “pull my own weight”. For the first time, I finally have a job, but it’s 3 hours a week and my dad and peers still don’t count it. I feel like I truly have a valid reason to feel worthless.
If it weren’t for my new friends and co-workers at nonPareil Institute, I don’t know where I’d be. NonPareil Institute is non-profit corporation that trains adults with autism in game development. All the training is one-on-one, there are no tests, no grades, and no deadlines. I’m judged against myself, and not anyone else. It’s amazing and so freeing. I now have the strength to brush off the negative comments from my dad and neuro-typical peers.
Sure, I have a long way to go. But now I have a path to get there. 🙂
I hope everyone here finds their path. That is far more important than the end goal. Because you won’t reach your end goal in the forseeable future. But you can find a path much sooner.
Much love and blessings to all those struggling!
Well said, Brian!
In ’07 I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. It was actually a huge relief, because I was 32 at the time and had struggled my entire life with jobs and depression because of it.
And I think “you can do this” is an excellent mantra.
It’s awesome of you to share that story. I am very glad you are feeling better. I have been in that dark place a few times in my life, and I know it is not at all a cool place to be. You rock! <3
And that, my man, is why I read your comic at the end of the night.
I’m saving the best for last.
Thank you.
[I’ll read other comments tomorrow, so as not to lessen the impact. Plus, I had a really good day, for the first time in a long while, and I’m plum tuckered. 🙂 ]
Just a note:
There are more comments today than I can remember from any other day. Why is that do you think? Rock on.
The only thing I’m loving more than this brave, honest post is the outpouring of support from those who will return tomorrow to laughing in the face of their pain with regularly scheduled dick jokes. 😉
Just want to make sure that everyone knows that help is out there. Please call 1-800-273-TALK if you start feeling like there’s no way out– or even just need someone to vent your feelings to! There are even text services in some areas– just Google it.
If not– take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Some person who will love you someday will be grateful that you did. That person might even be you.
I’m a big girl, and it sometimes depresses me that the cool “pop culture” shirts are made for skinny people – but then I remember that I have big boobs and it makes it all better.
Thanks for sharing your story
HAHAHAHA! That one got me.
I’ve struggled with weight issues for most of my adolescence, and I’ve tried dieting over the years to little success. I’d have to say I have my own share of “maybe one day” shirts in my closet, and I’ve hit my bad points. Yeah, I pass it off, I make jokes, try to make others happy for some sense of self worth, but in the end it IS friends who help you through it, and I’m thankful for them from the bottom of my heart. Am I still a chunky mofo? Hell yes. But I decided, if changing it doesn’t work out, I can own it. I took that fatness and now I use it to kinda make the persona work for me. So, to anyone who did read this (you have my thanks for your patience) just know that it’s never too late to come back up and kick life square in the family jewels.
I’m an overweight gamer diagnosed with depression, who got into a train-wreck of a relationship, recently lost his mom to cancer, is currently unemployed and has an ultra-successful brother to compare himself to. Everything you said is true for me, even down to being ‘in the well’. But also like you there came a point where the cloud burst and I started picking up the pieces. I walk, I cycle, I swim (just not every day); I gave up cakes, biscuits, crisps, chocolate, butter. I began writing a novel. I got back into role-playing. I started going to plays and concerts and talks by my favourite authors. Things seem to be getting better. Thanks for sharing. The worst thing about depression I found was the feeling of being alone. That nobody understood. Obviously you do. And D20 Monkey makes me laugh. 🙂
First let me say that I have thoroughly enjoyed d20, though I only recently started reading it. I ended up setting up late on night to read through it almost all the way. So, thank you for the work put in and the entertainment it provides.
Secondly, I, like many others, have been a large fellow most of my life. Rather interesting to be nearly six foot tall and still in elementary school. !’m nearly 30 now and I’m 6’2, 350lbs. Some folks that see me seemed shocked by that number, assuming that weighing a lot automatically means super fat. Though, don’t get me wrong. I am a chubby bastard as well with plenty of padding and jiggle.
I’ve had to deal with my share of depression, the jerks that put fat people down just because we don’t exactly fit the GQ body type, and a world full of things not made to handle a larger frame. Live right beside Six Flags in DFW and can’t ride most of the fun stuff. I use to hate on myself and all, but eventually I clawed my way out of the dark. I’m happy the way I am, I could still stand to lose a bit to help with my gout, but i am no longer ashamed of myself. I cannot say how I was able to will myself to this point, but I have done it and having other folks to talk with does help.
Don’t let the world get you down too much, there are always people out there, somewhere, willing to help with the burden.
Dude,
I feel your pain.
I am still a bigger guy but I used to be that guy that every little kid looked at like a damn carnival ride.
I eventually got in to a gym and started working out.
I lost, literally, half of me. So take it from me, you can do it and at your own pace. Congrats brother!
I love your comic and your take on some of the gamer things you crack on.
Go with what you love and you won’t be let down!
Thanks for that. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.
Let me tell you my story. It’s might seem a bit cliched, but since you shared, I’d like to share back.
I’ve always been a bit of a depressive. I have a job that most people, my family included, consider beneath my intelligence. I don’t make much money, and I live pretty hand to mouth. I don’t get into relationships often, and when I do they usually end badly. So I mostly don’t date.
Does all this sound like I’m depressed? Thing is, it’s usually not so bad. I genuinely like what I do for a living. (I cook.) I have a lot of interests that keep me busy. And while I kinda consider love out of the picture, at least I know I have friends and family who care about me. For a long time, that’s how I lived. It’s a bit lonely, but peaceful and fulfilling.
Then, about a year ago, it went to hell.
There was a girl I worked with. She was younger than me, but she possessed one of the kindest, wisest souls I have ever encountered in my life. She was beautiful, and she listened to me on the really blue days, know what I mean? Heck, I even shared some of my darkest secrets with her. I…loved her, I think. But I also though that, deep down, I wasn’t good enough for her. But that was OK. I was just glad that she was in my life.
And then she wasn’t.
She had been dating a guy that we both knew. And he treated her like crap. Cheated on her all the time, and expected her to be at his beck and call. Real douche bag. And I kept telling her that she deserved better. That she need to leave him and find herself a guy that would treat her right. And lo and behold, one day she did just that! She even found another guy, a fellow she used to see who had left to join the military that she was trying to get back together with. And yeah, that hurt a little, but I was more happy that she was finding her own happiness. She was a little worried about the ex, but I promised her I’d look after her. There was no way I was going to let her come to harm.
A month later, the douche bag murdered her. Four days after that, he hung himself in his jail cell.
To say I was devastated is putting it mildly. I went into a downward spiral of drugs and self-loathing. The first month, I couldn’t even hide it. My job performance suffered, and it was pretty obvious that I was throwing my life down the crapper. The people in my life had an intervention. They said I need to pick myself up and get on with my life. And after that first month, to all outward appearances I did just that. But it was a lie. By day I was all smiles and jokes. But at night, when I got home, it was the same old story. Get high and slowly let your life slip away. I won’t get in to all the things that have been going on in my head during this time, because some of them are pretty disturbing. And really, only one matters. The uberthough. The one that was slowly destroying me. “If you can’t protect the people you care about, then what good are you?” Every day I’ve been missing her. And every day, that same thought. And every day, the same answer. “I’m not. If I can’t protect the people I care about, then I’m worthless.” I distanced myself from my friends and family. Pretty recently, I had quit the drugs. But it wasn’t for any good reason. I thought that they were killing me too quickly, and for what I had allowed to happen, I deserved to suffer.
I know. What a long, depressing story. But I’m getting to the point.
About the only clean relief I’ve had is escapism. Books, movies, video games…comics. Anything that could take my mind away from that dreadful though. So I caught a link to this comic in Zombie Roomie (good comic!) and though, “Eh, why not? I like gaming. Maybe this will be funny.” So, as I tend to do, I started reading all the comics you’ve posted. Good stuff! I was enjoying myself. I wasn’t thinking, you see.
Then I got to this comic. I saw that you had posted a rather lengthy comment, and a quick scan showed that it was pretty personal. I don’t usually read comments until after my first read through of a comic, but you had done a fine job of entertaining me. I though the least I could do was read your story. Who knows? It might even warm my heart a little. But as I read your story, something in me started to change. I read about how YOU felt worthless, and about that little reasonable voice that was telling you to try and live. Oh, I knew that voice! I gagged it and stuffed it in a closet. Because why did I deserve to live? But as I read, I realized what was in me was that little voice, struggling at his bonds. And finally, I go to this sentence:
“You can do this. You can fucking do this. We all can.”
And when I read it, that little voice inside me broke free. And this is what it said :
“There’s no way you could have known the douche would go that far. You couldn’t save her. And it’s not your fault.”
I cried for an hour. As I write this, I’m still crying. But mixed in with that sorrow, there is a sort of relief. Because finally I’m hearing that voice.
“It’s not your fault.”
I don’t know why it took me so long to hear that voice. I don’t know why it taken so long to start forgiving myself. But I think I might be able to start. I think that I’ve taken the first step this very night. And I’m not foolish. I know that this is just the first step, and it’s going to be a long, hard road I travel. But I’ve taken that first step. And it’s because you told us your story. And because of that one sentence, which the voice is even now starting to shout.
“You can do this. You can fucking do this. We all can.”
So for what you’ve given me tonight, I’d like to give you something back, and here it is:
I don’t know what the future may bring. But it’s very possible you saved my life tonight. Thank you. Thank you so very much.
Wow. I’ve gone through some shit in my life, but . . . wow. I cannot even imagine what that must be like for you.
Good luck to you. I hope you are still reading this comic, and still getting a little better every day. Time never completely heals, but . . . I can say from experience that it *can* ease pain a little. I really, truly, hope the few months since you posted this have helped you to climb out of that well a little more.
Thank you, also, for giving me some perspective on my own life. I even said to someone this morning, when talking about some of the things that had happened to me recently (husband in a car accident, my computer starting a fire — and that doesn’t even cover the ongoing “I’m bipolar and obese” that’s relevant to this thread) that “at least we’re all still alive.” I think I need to start saying that to myself every day, every time I start dwelling on my problems.
To Brian and J,
I don’t know either one of you personally, but just reading about your struggles leads me to say this: You both are ass-kicking, excellent human beings. Keep fighting; this world can be fucked up and nasty, but goddamn it, it’s worth sticking around for. Never give up. Thanks for being who you are.
Very moving post. I struggle with my weight too. And would probably be in the same situation in your place. Well, minus the part about having artistic talent, anyway.
Hehe. Isn’t fashion a bitch? I am a skinny guy. Way skinny. And it is really frustrating that I can hardly find clothing that fits and doesn’t make me look like a stray dog in rags. I therefore hate clothes shopping too. So maybe you can feel better about yourselves too, larger people. Skinny guys have it rough too.
Brian, thanks for sharing your struggles, and thanks to the others who shared as well. What we see is that you are a brilliant artist, have a great sense of humor, and obvious intelligence. Thanks for showing us your human side as well.
I am in the same boat as you, have the I got divorced T-shirt, taking antidepressants, and struggling with my weight. As the old beer commercial said, some days are better than others. Keep fighting the good fight, everyone, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Your friends will be there to help pick you up.
I am writing this damn near 2 years to the day after this comic was posted, and as I type this it should be known that I’m working my way through every strip to get caught up, but the authors note for this strip is probably the most weight lifting statement I’ve ever read. I graduated high school in 2007 weighing in at 400lbs and have dipped and peaked many many times since then. My weight has crippled my confidence in more then one way but to hear some one who has had similar issues say stand up and keep going, well it feels damn good so thank you, you helped me today. I hope I can pass it on to the next guy who needs to hear ghis.
Hey I am catching up on your comics and really loving them. Also we are/ were close neighbors, I’m in Hunstville, AL. This comics content I really get.. Add on top of the body issues and being trans… I know you are over this some now but yeah thanks for sharing this know how hard it is.
Like the person above me, I realize I’m posting this year’s later, but I felt compelled to respond: I know all too well. I’m not a small guy myself, but I’ve fought for years against my weight and, for the most part, managed a certain detente: 6’2″, 275 lbs. However, things in life keep popping up to bring that jerk Depression back into control. My family and I live pretty much paycheck to paycheck, which is great for making you feel worthless. Nothing like putting back on the lead suit of depression to keep you down.
About six months ago, it really hit the fan for me: my car broke down. This may not seem important to some, but I realized later that it was about escape: as long as I had a vehicle, I could always escape. I couldn’t afford a new vehicle at the time… and then, my mother’s vehicle, which she had graciously let me use, broke down. I hit the bottom. Here, right here, was physical proof: I didn’t deserve to be happy. Not logical, but really, what about depression is logical? I thankfully didn’t have work the next day, so I dove headfirst into the internet, my only remaining escape.
And I found this comic.
I read it start to finish, late into the night.
And I realized: what I was feeling was nothing but bull. No one is required to hate themselves (some religions seem to, but that’s a discussion for another time). So I started again. Changing my diet, trying to wean myself off the sodas and junk food. Get back to the gym. Start feeling like a person again, not a meat popsicle. It’s a process. Long story short: your comic, and especially your post on this one, snapped me out of what was shaping up to be a fatal funk.
So, thank you.
Running through yet another archive binge, but this time this post really hit home in a way it hasn’t before, now that I’m struggling once again with the highest weight I’ve ever been at (north of 500) as well as a nearly crippling knee injury.
Just wanted to let you know that you are still helping people after all these years. Thank you for sharing this.